In the past, I have been afraid to publish my poetry books, finish my first full novel, and start an exciting new online venture.
Fear can come from many places. Although a lot of fear is a reaction to outside stimulus. For many of us, it is a response to completely internal battles within our hearts and minds.
Looking deeper into my motivations and motivation killers, I see how past trauma can keep us in a constant cycle of fear and doubt. Willingly or not, we often trigger our own PTSD.
As a creative soul who was invalidated a number of times during my childhood, I tend to get an idea and, after the initial flurry of inspiration, let my fears get the best of me.
My biggest fear is that I am not up to the task, that I am not good enough to finish well. I fear that I will not do the work justice, that I can somehow leave my muse asking themself, “Why on Earth did I give that idea to her? She doesn’t have what it takes.”
Likewise, I fear the inevitable silence of a creative endeavor suffocating to death in front of an audience. I fear criticism less than the utter silence of readers who do not “Like”, comment, or return to read more.
I may not be remembered as one of the great writers of the early 21st century. The majority of artists will likely fade into obscurity, or never dig our way out of it, rather than be lauded for our work after we are gone.
That is not to say that I lack a work ethic or the ability to create something meaningful. It doesn’t mean that I lack optimism. I am actually a hopeful optimist at my core. I just thought it might help me to look at the reasons for my behavior, to speak them aloud, and do the work it takes to finally move past my insecurities and into an era of self-assured confidence.
Success comes with its own challenges and its own set of fears. Though many are listed above, there is one fear that comes with success that is on an entirely different level than when you find yourself mired in obscurity; it is the fear of being seen, of being put in the spotlight. I am not just talking about having to live up to others’ expectations, based upon your previous work. I am referring to the loss of anonymity, becoming a target for online harassment, and inflammatory media attention. I don’t think enough people realize how important anonymity is until it is gone.
Sharing my poetry with an acquaintance or someone I don’t know, when it is relevant to the conversation we are having, exemplifies the heart of poetry and the arts. Poetry is meant to elicit a feeling, to help us see and understand a shared experience in a new way, to connect, and experience life from a new perspective.
The communication arts are wonderful tools for self-expression, storytelling, and connection. Sometimes we, as artists, hold our creations close to the vest when they are meant to be released into the wild, to find new life and horizons beyond their creators.
So, here I am, releasing the fears that have tethered my creativity for so long, opening myself up to new possibilities, and continuing the journey in earnest.
I hope you enjoy taking this journey with me. I look forward to connecting with everyone and sharing our mutual love of the arts.
~ elr
Image: IDs 154771097 © Romolo Tavani and 203396683 © Fenix84 (Composite by E.L. Redwine) | Dreamstime.com