I gained myself and lost everyone else in the process. At least that’s how it feels right now.
What do you do when everyone is telling you how you should grieve? How do we respond when they slip in that small, almost insignificant, three-word sentence, “It’s your fault”?
I tend to internalize it and blame myself for all the things I didn’t do but should have, everything I did and wished I hadn’t. I shut down and start the grieving process all over again.
Just when I think I’m at a point where I’m okay and can finally start moving forward, someone casually or incendiarily hurls those three words, burning me to the core.
This time, I walked away from the conversation, dragging my crushed spirit behind me, and headed to the safety of my bed.
“Can I just start this day over? Can this be a bad dream and not my new reality?”
I grabbed my favorite stuffed animal and fell into the darkness beneath the covers. It was then that the hopelessness and heavy sobbing overtook my soul and tears began to cascade.
Now, once again, I find myself in the thick of it.
~ elr
NOTE: Yes, I know, incendiarily is not a word. Well, it is now, because I used it. Look out, Shakespeare.
Image: ID 239903516 © Alexey Poprotskiy | Dreamstime.com