(9 things we can do to be better allies)
In this era of scientific and technological breakthroughs, our knowledge of what it means to be human is coming into sharper focus. We are now able to discern more clearly the great diversity seen in nature reflected within our own species. It seems that what truly unites us is our differences. We are all the same, in that we are all different. Each of us is an amazing tapestry created through our own unique blend of DNA and its resulting physical traits, chemical interactions and processes, cognition, lived experience, and cultural influences.
Despite the steps society has taken toward gaining greater understanding and empathy for each other, there are many groups of people who truly need the caring support of allies to their cause. Whether they have a less-understood medical condition, a psychological, developmental, or physical difference, are from a racial or religious minority, or are a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, everyone needs people who are willing to listen, accept, and support them for who they are.
Being an ally to a person, or group of people, can at times be a bit tricky. Below is a short list of thoughts regarding the two most common questions about becoming or being a better ally. What can I do, and what do I need to know?
Do: Educate yourself.
Know: Before trying to teach someone else, first be sure that you are knowledgeable about the subject.
Reading articles and doing research on your own would help you to better understand some of the challenges a person in a marginalized group might experience. Don’t assume that what you learned 10 or 20 years ago (even in science class) is still considered true. Public knowledge and opinion generally lags behind currently accepted scientific fact. Continued research, coupled with recent advancements in science and technology, have helped us see more clearly the natural diversity which exists within human biology and behavior. As with any subject, if you want to stay current, continuing education is important.
Be sure to take author bias into account when reading articles about a certain group of people. There are those who will use their current or past position as a platform to share anecdotal experience and spread misinformation regarding a group(s) of marginalized or misunderstood people. Seek out sources which are backed by verifiable research and are published in respected, peer-reviewed journals.
When learning about differences between cultures and belief systems, be sure not to create or accept stereotypes about a given group of people. Fringe elements do not portray an accurate picture of the whole. Neither do all members of the greater group ascribe to the same beliefs, practice the same customs, or interact with society in the same way. As with the general public, there is much diversity of experience, lifestyle, and beliefs within the members of a given community.
It is okay to learn about a cultural group through books and articles in order to become better acquainted with their struggle, unique language, and terminology, but be sure to allow the individuals you meet to define their own place within that group and the greater world that they inhabit.
If there is something you don’t understand, ask appropriate questions of a person(s) in that community or group.
Be aware that educating someone else can be laborious and can drain the teacher’s emotional and mental energy. Do not expect someone to educate you, but value the energy and time given when someone answers your questions.
Be sure to listen more than you talk.
Do: Get to know people.
Know: Ask if there are any online groups that are appropriate for you to join.
If so, be sure to introduce yourself and let people know that you are interested in being an ally. Once you are comfortable there, you may ask if there are appropriate local group meetings you may attend. You will definitely learn more by being a part of the conversation. You never know, you just may gain a new friend or two as well.
If, as an ally, you are welcomed into a protected space, remember your role in that space. Some spaces are reserved for those in the community who are in need of a place in which to speak openly, without fear or reservation. Be sure to learn the rules before accepting an invitation to a safe space, and be willing to decline the invitation or respectfully leave if you feel that your presence would cause an issue for any of the members.
Do: Be open and honest.
Know: When you decide to be an ally, it will be a process.
If you are new to this, let people know. Be open and honest about where you are in your journey. When we are open and honest about ourselves, we create room for others to be the same.
Do: Be understanding.
Know: You will likely make a mistake or two.
You are dealing with human beings, and each of us is different. What may be acceptable for one person may offend another. If/when you do upset someone, even if it was unintentional, responding with an apology is always a good place to start. It opens the door for the other person to share why your comment(s) had a negative impact on them.
Part of being an ally is believing what a person says about their experience. If they tell you something is hurtful or disrespectful, believe them. Try not to become defensive, as it can be seen as dismissive of their feelings. If you do offend someone, and don’t understand why they are upset, use it as an opportunity to learn.
Understand that intent and impact are different.
Do: Be careful when making comparisons.
Know: Illustrating perceived parallels between your life experience and those of a person in an oppressed community to which you do not belong can in some cases be hurtful.
In certain situations, it may be best to ask if a certain part of your experience is like theirs rather than presenting it as such.
Do: Status checks.
Know: If you see a news story about something you feel would negatively affect the lives of a certain group of people, check in with your friend(s) in that community.
Make sure they are okay. Ask them if they need anything (prayer, support, a visit, etc.). Reaching out is validating and lets a person know they really do matter, which is a vital truth for everyone.
Do: Stand up. Stand out.
Know: Being inclusive or accepting is a positive step toward a kinder and better world; however, in order to be a true ally one needs to be willing to stand up for the person who cannot speak or does not have a voice.
If possible, always allow someone to speak on their own behalf. If you become involved in a conversation which revolves around a subject directly relating to a marginalized group and someone from that group is present, be sure to give them the space to speak if they are comfortable doing so. If you find yourself in an arena or situation in which you have the privilege to speak, use that privilege, if possible, to pass the microphone over to a marginalized person, then stand back and listen. They may just need a seat at the table, so to speak. While doing so, be sure not to “out” someone who may not want their status to be known publicly.
If you see someone being picked on or excluded because they are part of a marginalized group, stand beside them in solidarity. I realize that in certain situations it can be uncomfortable, or even dangerous, but if you speak up for them, you give others the license to join as well. You will also show all those present, including the victim(s), that all humans are valued, and that diversity in all its forms is beautiful.
Do: Get involved.
Know: Go to rallies and community events.
Again, listen and learn. Become involved in local, national, and global politics. Our elected officials need to understand the needs of their constituents in order to better serve all of us. When we use our voices, our presence, and our vote to speak to a certain issue, we show that it truly matters to us.
Conclusion:
“Someone who did all that would be more than an ally, they’d be a straight-up warrior. Which would be awesome, but maybe not entirely realistic.“ – C. Pinette
This is true; it is not realistic to expect that anyone has the time or emotional energy to become, or remain, involved at a high level.
Do what you can, and be sure to practice self-care. Remember, kindness and acceptance at any level can have a huge impact.
In the end, being a good ally is about showing people that they matter to you and that they are worthy of your time and energy as well as your respect and support.
After all, isn’t that what we all need?
~ elr
Do: Give credit where credit is due.
Know: A handful of friends reviewed the initial draft of this list and gave me some honest feedback which greatly improved the final version.
Some of the words contained are theirs. Thank you Calista Pinette, Amy Buttery, Angela Lippard, and Donna Turner.
Before creating this more-universal list, I did research on the subject of being a good trans ally. There are some good resources out there. Here are a few that stood out to me:
Guide to being a trans ally:
https://bolt.straightforequality.org/allyresources
Tips for Allies of Transgender People:
https://www.glaad.org/transgender/allies
11 Ways To Be A Trans* Ally, According To Transgender People Themselves:
https://www.bustle.com/articles/76762-11-ways-to-be-a-trans-ally-according-to-transgender-people-themselves
Image: ID 249106321 © Surut Wattanamaetee | Dreamstime.com
This is terrific, and I’m honored to have played even a small role in its creation. Beginners need to begin somewhere. In my experience, it’s best not to throw people into the middle of the more nuanced questions when they are only just recently familiar (or comfortable) with the questions. This addresses a lot of the writing I see in social media that is unintentionally troubling. Well done.