People have a tendency to see other people stuff as “shite” and their shite as “stuff.”
Dad: (as I walk in the door to visit) “Come here. I need to show you something.” He walks me into one of the bathrooms, a bedroom closet, or my mom’s quilting room, as he has done countless times before. “Look at how many of [ today’s item of interest ] your mom had! What would she do with all these?!”
Me: “Have you ever tried out a new brand of shampoo and found that it worked great, but only for a while, or only in the summer?”
D: “No. I only ever use one kind.”
M: Well, you’re lucky then. With things like Mom’s makeup, here, she used different creams, foundations, and cleaners, along with all the makeup that made her feel good about herself. Did you like it when she got all dressed up and looked pretty.”
D: “Yeah. She was a beautiful woman.”
M: “That’s what all of these products were for. Many of them were probably bought with you in mind.”
D: (smirking) …but I never wore makeup.”
I cannot help but see the collections of items at my parents’ house. There are a handful of them that are on display, while others are boxed away or kept behind perpetually closed doors, all but forgotten to time.
As an outsider, it is easy for me to look at my dad’s collections of special plates and memorabilia, and judge him for his unfinished projects and hobbies that died on the vine.
It would have been easy to point to his perceived failings when he picks up an item and says, “She had over 20 things of lipstick. What the hell did she need all of these for?!”
I try again, to help bring a sense of perspective regarding male and societal expectations for women as well as what brings us joy and comfort.
D: “Well, I still don’t understand why she needed all this shite!”
M: “Can we get back to why I’m here?”
D: Gestures at all the items that he had pulled out and placed on the sink. Things that will still be sitting there for many months to come. “I just wanted you to see all the shite your mom bought that I have to deal with, but I guess YOU DON’T CARE!”
Later, when I get home, I see my own modest, but growing, collection of makeup and skincare products. Then notice all of my own personal collections of knickknacks, unread books, boxes of games, bicycles, musical instruments, recording equipment, hundreds of movies, and thousands of music CDs, and it gives me pause.
Are all my failings as a responsible human being on display in my home? Are my unfinished projects, my collections of dusty relics from my past, my toys, and games, a glaring example of my immaturity?
Then I realize something about me, my mom, my dad, and basically everyone else on this spinning rock.
Do not begrudge the younger version of yourself or others still in that stage of life, no matter their age, the making of frivolous choices.
Whether someone spends their time, energy, and resources pursuing things we can no longer justify, or if they aren’t saving as we believe they should, we need to understand one simple fact of life. They are learning. You are learning.
Whether or not we realize it, we learn from the day we are conceived until the day we leave this plane of existence. We learn from parents, teachers, and everyone else we come in contact with. We learn through analyzing objects, experiences, observations, and play.
We play most of our lives, in many different ways, because it is how we learn. This is why old toys and games are often set aside and new ones acquired, even in adulthood.
We also collect items that serve as reminders of a time, place, or feeling, a key to unlock certain moments through memories that have meaning, lessons, or an emotional connection we still relate to, that will forever be attached to them. When their beauty, meaning, or memory no longer serves to bring us the desired result, they are passed on or relegated to a dusty corner where they sit for untold years.
In the same way, when we have learned everything we need to, from a particular item, experience, or person, we move on.
So, don’t begrudge someone their exploration, their joy, their frivolity, or judge them for the collections they leave behind when they die.
…and do not judge your own life choices too harshly. For what is life if we stop being open to new ideas, experiences, and possibilities? Where, then, will the enjoyment be?
~ elr
Image: ID 397355812 © Mailcaroline | Dreamstime.com