Shame can be a strong force for positive change; “I don’t want to do that again because it hurt someone.”
At the same time, shame can stunt my growth, especially if that shame was put on me by a person or group with high standing; “I can’t do that because I will be ridiculed, shunned, or hurt.”
This is true whether the shame is deserved or undeserved, truly harmful or simply outside perceived societal norms; a.k.a. perverted, icky, weird, abnormal, or seen as in any way less than or different.
How, and for how long, I internalize shame depends on how I perceive the effects of that particular brand of shame; whether it will have large or small consequences, if those consequences happen in the short or long term, and whether or not I will lose my social standing.
Once shame is internalized, if it is not addressed quickly, it hardens over time till it is the cement base that everything else sits atop. That part of my innocence lies directly beneath it, unattainable.
Isolation is a home built upon the foundations of shame that have been laid down within me, and it is a lonely place to live.
Understanding and forgiveness are two of the most important gifts we can give to another being, including ourselves. Through understanding, we can chip away at the foundation of shame, and with forgiveness, we prepare the ground for new growth.
Sometimes it takes a while to chip out all the shame. Even after I think I have dug it all out and hauled it away, once in a while, I find chunks rising to the surface.
As I continue to show myself mercy and grace, to understand and forgive myself, I have seen that eventually, there is growth and positive change that has affected how I see myself and others.
I may never walk in the pure garden of my child-like innocence again, but I believe a mature garden is much more beautiful.
~ elr
Image: ID 167775492 © Sema Srinouljan | Dreamstime.com
This really hit home.
Shame was inside of me at birth transmitted thru the umbilical cord as my mother, a mere girl, got pregnant and was called a Lutheran Whore by my dad’s family.
My mom lived with shame her whole life. She didn’t intend for me to feel that shame, but I sure did. I’m still, at 69.5, feeling that shame now and then. It keeps me solitary and at arm’s length from most people, not including my best friend, who supports me 100%. I don’t know how I’d be without her in my life.
Shame sucks.
Thanks for sharing your gift.